Alex Traynor 2008!

With the recent uproar over the 2008 US Presidential Election, I feel that it’s the right time to officially throw my hat into the ring. That’s right folks, I’m running for president! After the overwhelmingly successful results of my ‘exploratory committee’ (my grandmother interviewing everybody at the senior center), I’ve decided to kick the campaign up to full notch. With an unprecedented amount of funding from an anonymous donor (my grandmother with a nickel), I’ve decided to make my first official campaign stops in California in August (also coinciding with my family vacation).

This campaign comes with a promise, to make for a better America. A cleaner America. A safer America. And quite possibly, a sexier America. We owe it, not only to ourselves, but to our children (and our illegitimate children.) We need better schools, better healthcare, a bigger army, more public programs, better public facilities, and most importantly, lower taxes. How is that feasible, you ask? Well, if you elect me President, I’ll pay someone to figure it out for me.

Sure, my campaign will face a few obstacles (namely, the constitution), but with a coalition of support (and more funding from my Grandmother), we’ll be able to overcome the roadblocks in our way (again, the constitution.)

To put it plainly, our country simply cannot afford to not elect me President. Here’s why:

• I have a high school diploma (pending completion of a summer school course on Current Issues)
• I have never been outside of the USA, so I have no possible grounds to believe our country isn’t the best in the world.
• Multilingual (English, Drunk, and Pig-Latin)
• I’ve watched all seven seasons of The West Wing
• I have never participated in The Model U.N. (take from that what you may)
• I really don’t like the Russians.
• Great thighs
• Single. Possibility of marrying foreign minister’s daughter to annex another state.

It’s hard to imagine someone more qualified to be President than me. Which is why I was surprised that other people were actually running for the office. None of them have a chance, here’s why I’m better than them:

Hilary Clinton – Unlike Mrs. Clinton, I officially promise to not bomb any third world countries while I’m on my period.

John Edwards – People say John Edwards has the best hair of all the presidential candidates. As of today, they are wrong.

Denis Kucinich – Who the fuck is Denis Kucinich?

Mitt Romney – Do you really want a Mormon to be in charge of the nuclear missile codes? I thought not.

Barack Obama – Unlike Mr. Obama, I’m 100% Black.

Bill Richardson – Unlike Mr. Richardson, I’m 100% Not Mexican.

Rudy Giuliani – Ask yourself this question: Who had the most to benefit from 9/11? Since he’s the republican frontrunner, the answer is obviously Rudy. Now, I’m not one to resort to petty conspiracy theories, that’s why I’ll say this: Rudy knocked down the towers by himself.

John McCain – John McCain is a decorated Vietnam veteran. I play Call of Duty 2 daily. I rest my case.

Now, I realize a person doesn’t just vote for a candidate based on their great hair and awesome website, they need to know the candidates stance on the issues. Here are mine:

Abortion – On one hand, Abortion is wrong. But, on the other hand, I really hate babies. I side with whatever option makes the line at the DMV shorter.

Iraq – It comes down to one question: Does anybody really give a shit about Iraq? Sure, we are rebuilding a country in need of rebuilding, but do we care enough to have our soldiers over? Why don’t we rebuild Detroit? Sure, people will still be shooting at the troops, but at least Detroit has a baseball team.

Gay Marriage – As long as they don’t fuck in front of me, gay people can do what they want.

Gun Control – Gun Control is a complex problem, with a very simple solution. Replace all of the guns in the country with Harpoon Guns. Seriously, if you have the nuts to shoot someone in the face with a harpoon, that sucka deserves to die.

Healthcare – Free for anybody who doesn’t abuse the system (Not you, Steve-O)

Immigration – The best option we have towards stopping Illegal immigration is to go straight to the root: Make Mexico a less shitty place to live. Mexicans are coming here because they’re dying over there, if we fix Mexico’s economy, there’ll be no need for them to come over here anymore. How can we fix Mexico’s economy, you ask? The answer is simple: turn it into a Theme Park! What shall we call this 750,000 Square mile theme park, you ask? I’m on the fence between “Brown America,” and “Taco Bell Presents: America land”

Taxes – Now, some have criticized my plan of a larger federal government, with lower taxes, saying it’s “fiscally impossible.” I think I’m able to prove those critics wrong with one simple idea: Outsourcing the Federal Government. If we outsource the federal government to someplace cheaper (say, Pakistan) we’ll be able to both lower taxes, and increase the authority of the union. Washington, DC will be relocated overseas, and we’ll replace our legislative branch with a less-expensive, and therefore better, Congress. Sure, there will be some obstacles to overcome, but in the long run, outsourcing our government is best for everyone (actually, probably more so for Pakistan.).

If elected to office, here are my expected plans:

• Change title from ‘President’ to ‘Emperor’ and then execute Congress in a public ceremony.
• Physically relocate Alaska and Hawaii to be part of the continental US.
• Appoint Sammy Stephens, owner of Flea Market Montgomery (yes, from the commercial,) Secretary of State, where he will describe the global economy as, “just like a mini-mall!”
• End the war in Iraq. Start the war in Detroit.
• Hit on women in bars using this line, “Hi, I’m the president, wanna fuck?”
• Quietly assassinate Richard Simmons.
• Start a second Cold War.
• Edit my own Wikipedia page without having it be deleted.

When you get to the polls nearly 500 days from now, ask yourself this question, “Who’s going to make America a better place?”, and then, vote for Alex Traynor, regardless of what you answered.