Dicktatorshit

I’m extremely pissed off right now. Apparently society seemed to call the age of discovery to a close when there wasn’t anymore land left to find.

That isn’t fair. Why don’t I ever get to experience the simple pleasures of discovering new land, naming it after myself, and then systematically driving the indigenous people to the brink of extinction?

I’ll put this out in the open: I want to rule a country. And I’m not one of those guys who’s in it just for the sex, drugs, and rock and roll. I actually want to make a difference.

Being ruler doesn’t come easy these days. Back in the 1500’s all you had to do to get a continent named after you was to sleep with the dude who made the maps. Now you’re going to have to sleep with a lot more people to get that position.

Since, I can no longer gain a leadership role by default, my only 2 options are either a.) doing some intense political lobbying, or b.) Brainwashing.

For the moment, I’m planning on using choice b; mainly because my grandmother gave me a “do-it-yourself” magic kit for my 6^th birthday and I totally almost hypnotized a guy once with it.

Conquering a country won’t be easy, that’s why I’ll start out with a small impressionable African nation, if things go well, I might try something European.

My first choice nation for now is Morocco, mainly because its near the ocean, they have a really sweet air force, and a mascot tie-in seems oh-so easy.

One of the main drawbacks of choosing Morrocco is that they speak solely Arabic, but I don’t see that to be a problem since Babelfish has never failed me before.

Here is a detailed step-by-step explanation of my plans to claim Morocco as my own:

1.) Go to Kinko's

2.) Print out 5,000+ pamphlets declaring me to be chosen of Allah.

3.) Go to Magic shop

4.) Playfully flirt with lady behind the counter.

5.) Purchase backup magic kit in case someone breaks the first one.

6.) Catch first plane flight to Morrocco.

7.) “YaddaYadda coup d’etat YaddaYadda”

8.) Become President

Among my first duties as president, will be to change my title to “emperor” and then have all of the members of congress politely executed. After about a good month or so of terrifyingly oppressive rule, I’ll arrange for a nation-wide vote between keeping the terrifyingly oppressive rule, or, adopting a new constitution composed by yours truly…

The People’s Republic of Alextopia

(And by people’s I mean Alex Traynor’s, and by Republic I mean dictatorship)

Section 1.
The former nation of Morocco will henceforth be referred to as “Alextopia”. The National anthem will be “Calling Dr. Love” by Kiss. The National bird will be Nathan Lane. The following people will be considered knights under the authority of the emperor: Conan O’Brien, Maddox, Aunty Jemima, The bassist from Mando Diao, Leslie Nielsen, the guy who used to work at Blockbuster and was probably albino, and Abe Vigoda.

Section 2.
Gay marriage will be legal, but only between chicks, and only if they are really hot and promise to do it all the time.

Section 3.
Abortion will be legal on the 3^rd Tuesday of every month. Every other time it will be illegal under punishment of death.

Section 4.
All conversations taking place within the Alextopian borders will be monitored and thoroughly examined. Any negative remarks about the emperor’s hair will be punished by death.

Section 5.
The state religion of Alextopia will be Super Atheism! If you are caught not not worshipping any deities, you will be executed.

Section 6.
Panda Bears will be considered cute and cuddly. Those who oppose will be punished by death.

Section 7.
Drugs will be legal, but only for the emperor and the bassist from Mando Diao. All others will be punished by death and have their remaining drugs confiscated and placed into the direct custody of the emperor.

Section 8.
The official currency will be called the “poontang” and it will be worth 8 times the value of the US dollar.

Section 9.
The emperor is to be the highest authority upon everything. Period.

Once they almost assuredly ratify my constitution, I’ll have them build me a nice palace in the suburbs where I will continue to make shitty cartoons and run this blog. Until then, I advise you to not make any negative remarks about my hair, I tend to hold grudges.