Become Alex Traynor in 7 Easy Steps

1.) Act like you know people
Always walk around with your head up high as if you’re looking for someone. When you finally do find people you know, say hi, tell a quick joke, and then leave as to give the impression that you have better things to do than to talk to them.

2.) Mess up your own shitty jokes
Come up with something clever, witty, and deviously charming. Walk around aimlessly looking for people to tell it to. When you finally do get to tell it, screw it up and start to cry. Repeat 15 times over the course of the evening.

3.) Convince yourself that it’s everyone else’s fault
That joke was funny. So what? Maybe I put too much emphasis on the word “Penguin”. Big deal. That joke was funny and they know it. It’s all a big fucking conspiracy. You know what? I’m too attractive for those motherfuckers, they don’t deserve me. Retards.

4.) Convince yourself that it is, in fact, your fault
You know what, maybe it wasn’t funny. What if they were right? Stupid Alex, Stupid Alex, Stupid Alex. What was I thinking? No-one likes penguins. Hell, I don’t even like penguins. I should apologize, I really should. That was a terrible joke. Stupid Alex, Stupid Alex, Stupid Alex.

5.) Re-convince yourself that it’s their fault
It doesn’t matter that no-one likes penguins. My delivery was perfect. No-one can say otherwise. They know it, you know it, everyone knows it. Why can’t people admit that joke was funny?

6.) Go crazy
Oh my god. I now know the answer. They’re spies. They’re all out to get me, this is bullshit. Who’s giving them their orders? I bet it was the Russians. They’ve never liked me.

7.) Masturbate
Pornography solves everything. Period.